Married Life

The cycle of giving up and hope is a familiar one.  I read a miserable article on euphoric and dysphoric family life cycles which like all the kinds of article such as those on narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) leave me feeling like I am just a case study fuck up.

If I am totally narcissistic it would explain the posturing, fashion, flitting about, inflationary stuff, letting down friends all the time and so on.  But I figure that I would not cope with the frustration of being in a bad marriage so long surely.  But I wonder if I had NPD then surely after 15 years I would have gone and got the needs met somewhere else?

But then there’s him, is he a case study in fucked up shit?

We must be a match made in heaven then.

Got the low down useless husband stupid man blues.

‘Don’t use the kids against me’ he says after he says he’s too sick to travel for them.  ‘You only want what’s best for you, what you want’ when I have an assignment due and it’s all planned for weeks.

“Well I just getting some fresh air on a Friday night as I’ve been in all week” he says when only two days ago he was too sick to travel.

‘Send me a hundred pounds for a turn table” he says when I have been turned down for any government assistance and I have no money coming in. He’s all sorted on benefits.

“Why haven’t you phoned me” he says.  I say nothing but my mind screams “Because I can only hate you more with every word you say”

Talking to the step daughter in law about the issues of the grandson’s birthday I realise that another layer of complexity to family life will arise when we divorce.  Sometimes it feels like “if”.   To fast forward out of these years with responsiblities for children to the empty nest might mean that we could stay together.  I dread being alone in my old age.   Day in day out for the first time in 30 plus years I see my parents together after 50 years of being together and know that even if I start again  I can never have what they have.   Years of raising children together, pride in raising grandchildren together, discussing remembering, filling in the gaps for each other.  I’m about to shut that door.

Then I think how much I will still feel him like a mill stone dragging me down.  Can I carry him for 30 more years of marriage, his stubborn mulish ways, and his refusal to compromise.

Bringing me back to the complexities of family life as he withdraws from a relationship with his daughter in law over a perceived slight, refusing to discuss or even talk about it.

Yet again I will carry the burden of maintaining any relationship with or without divorce.

One of the worst things that I hate about divorced women is that so many are  so stupidly bitter and twisted.  Their subsequent lives are all a reaction to their ex-husbands.  They manipulate the kids and don’t put them first above their own shit.   These are all the things I’ve said about them.

But now I’m becoming one of them.  I find myself wanting to punish him with the kids.  I want them to feel hurt and let down that he is not ever going to visit them where we live now.  I want them to be sad and cry and act out so I can ring him and tell him what he has done.  This is so wrong that I am now taking it out on the kids.  I am a swearing hideous evil mother.  All the things that the divorced women turns out to be.

I’ve booked myself an appointment to get counselling.  I am not going down that road.  I cannot.  He is not turning me into his biaaatch ex-wife.  Living well is the best revenge.

Yes well I’m starting this blog as I have decided that enough is enough.   Today I decided that although it will prove every racist friend of mine right that my husband is a total loser.  It grieves me greatly to finally see exactly why his baby mother of the first 3 children is such a biaatch.  Well she is an evil bitch anyway but he cannot have helped her to become a better person.

So dear readers, this is the blog of the end of my marriage.  So fuck you dear husband, I’m done with you.